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World's Best Complaint Letter?

by Wendi Aarons - 19:33 on 22 September 2009

THE BEST EVER COMPLAINT LETTER?

I think so, and I don’t have a vagina….

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the
curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying and out-of-control behavior. You surely realise it's a tough time
for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the
violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill
just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken
chimps.

Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the
reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period."

Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable?

Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl,
there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so
you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God,
pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a
maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?
- Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bullsh1t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons

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